No, don't need you excusing me for cussing. I am simply irritated with my training regime, or moreover with my habit of sticking it into the impossibly late hours and my consequent tiredness across the day.
Even if the January had begun fantastically - I got a job interview and I am slotted to do a probation period starting Monday, my mind is all kind of wracked up with worries and 'what-if' bad scenarios. I am overthinking it as it is - I am just a trainee, for a God's sake, but I am worrying as if I were dropped into a hot water of being CEO of a sinking ship, so to speak. Friday this week I returned home all kid of burned out from the subsequent work-meeting where I received the details of the work, and I crash-landed straight onto bed - no wonder, regarding I was up to some 1 in the morning with worries and my late-night reading.
Getting up at 7, going at 8, meeting at 9, then waiting to 11.30 for the drive back and finally getting home at some 13.30. Thankfully, sleep restored some of my energy, but later in the evening, I was beset by a monster of a headache that haunted me through the workout. It faded about midnight, was up to half past midnight, and then went snoozing.
Next morning, I was good, but I noticed I began losing my energy in the early afternoon again. Maybe becasue I got into the sweets binge before the lunch - I felt bad, so I kinda thought something sweet would pick me up, massacred a handful of homemade biscuits and then had pasta with bean and onion salad with a chili spiced dip. And my freaking feelings got into a nosedive again.
I know I am worrying too much. I am worrying about worrying about worrying, in fact, and that got me into a binge eating today. I practically dragged myself through my portion of exercising - yes, both of the parts - but I did it. Sometimes I thought why the fuck I am even going through it, when it kinda doesn't show visibly yet. A waste of my time of just my self image as a forever chubby kid? /rubs the bridge of nose, irritated/
I don't know. I don't know how I will be juggling my responsibilities as a probie, as a part of the family and how I would manage the me time, both the exercising and writing, and don't get me even started on a social life! /frazzled/
I started the exercise regime because I knew that being in batter body shape will also help me with the shape of my mind - clearer and better thinking, having more energy, etc, which is practically required for work, 8 hours per day. Exercising part goes well - well, Tibetan exercises are sometimes a murder on my body, HHA is a little bit dull now when I got into the rhythm, and I somehow both detest and like them - detest them because I don't accept excuse to skip them, and like them, because they do my body good, even if visibility is not - well, visible yet. I am my own referee on that one, and at this point, I am sometimes tempted to throw the towel into the ring, so to speak, and only my freaking pledge is holding me back from it.
Right. No excuses now, gonna go write the rest of those snippets before hitting the snooze.
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